the tick-tock of the clock is painful

I just thought this was cute and wanted to put it here to remind me :)

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 04:40:01 GMT

Yoshi - says:

i like your cheeks too

cause they have frekles on them

and your frekles are cute

Abbi says:

hah

I guess ^^

Yoshi - says:

they are!

very adorable

i like your forehead tooo

cause its very kissable

Abbi says:

weirdo =p

Yoshi - says:

mwuahh!

i <3 your forehead

Abbi says:

^_^

thankyou

Yoshi -says:

^____^

i like your arms tooo

specially when you randomly glomp me

or hug my waist from behind when i dont expect it

Abbi says:

hah ^_^

Yoshi -says:

and your arms are very smooth and slender and cute

Abbi says:

well thanks for thinking that then

Yoshi - says:

tis true!

I <3 your hands too

Abbi says:

Yoshi - says:

and your skillz with your hands ;D

Abbi says:

hahha

Yoshi - says:

your fingers are cute

i like to kiss them

and nibble at htem

Abbi says:

Yoshi - says:

I like your ears

cause they are sensitive

and i like to nip your earlobes

I like your tummy cause its skin is very soft and its very sexy

specially when you show it off

Abbi says:

hahah

Yoshi - says:

cause there s a really sexy curve thats really hard to describe

but when your standing up

its really cute

and very sexy =3

Abbi says:

im glad you think so baby

Yoshi - says:

i like your abdomen too

cause i like sliding my hand down your tummy and resting my hand on it

i think thats really sexy

and really cute =3 <33333

Abbi says:

Yoshi - says:

I like your leggsss =33333

specially when they are smooth and shaved

Abbi says:

hah

Yoshi - says:

but even when they are not

cuase they are sexy

and i like it when your wrap your legs around me no matter what situation we are inn

like at the library when we were waiting for my dad

=33

=333333

<3333

cuteee

i like to kiss your legs

Abbi says:

im glad you think that baby

Yoshi - says:

they are very sexy

^___^

i like your bum

its cuteee

Abbi says:

Yoshi - says:

i like to kiss your bum tooo

cause its cute and smooth

and i like to run my hands up and down it

Abbi says:

Yoshi - says:

I like your breasts too

Sho says:

most guys do

Yoshi - says:

i mean in a more sensual way darling

i like the way they curve and the way that they suit your body

i like it lots when youre topless and your raise your arms above your head cause it makes you look even sexier

and i like to kiss your breasts

because they are soft

and it feels good to kiss them

they're cute baby =3

Abbi says:

haha

im glad.

Yoshi - says:

I like your lips too

your lips arent humungus like movie stars

but they arent thin and small either

theyre just right

so that i can feel your lips touching every surface of mine

and when you smile i think its the cutest thing ive ever seen =333333333333333333

I like your back

because of the way it curves and how smooth it is and how i can run my fingers over its curvs

Abbi says:

you're too nice baby.

Yoshi - says:

its very sexy back

=333

<333333

Abbi says:

i love you.

Yoshi - says:

i love you too ^__^

I like your hai

hair

i like the colour of it

Abbi says:

i dont, its bland.

Yoshi - says:

i like the feel of it in my fingers

i like when you flip it over your shoulderss

=333

i like your hair

it has a rich brown colour which i like baby

Abbi says:

whatever floats your boat then

Yoshi - says:

baby, its true.

Sho says:

Yoshi - says:

and all those parts of your body that i like put together in one neat package makes a body I love and want to keep loving for as long as i live.

Abbi says:

thanks

Yoshi - says:

a body that you give to me that i want other men to be jealous of me when i walk with you down the street

Abbi says:

nobodys going to be jealous hahah

Yoshi - says:

oh trust me darling

they are

Abbi says:

i doubt it.

Yoshi - says:

baby... its true.

you have a very attractive body.

Yoshi - says:

its really true.

and i would like you to believe me

because its true

Abbi says:

all i see when i look in the mirror is scars and fat and my eyes are all suken in and there's red marks around my lips. all i see is room for improvement.

but i'm trying to see what you see

i hope i will some day.

Yoshi - says:

baby youre beautiful

Abbi says:

thank you.

Yoshi - says:

one day i want to sit you infront of a mirror and go over everything thats very attractive about you

Abbi says:

the list wouldn't be very long.

Yoshi - says:

which is everything so its gonna take a while and a bit of stripping.

Abbi says:

haha. shame =p

i like my eye colour. its pretty.

and i like my small wrist. sorta.

Yoshi - says:

the list would consist of every part of your body, every hair follicle, every inch of skin, every bit of scar tissue, every limb, every muscle, every bit of fat, every bone, every organ, every piece of dna, every bit of your soul.

the list would go on for ages.

Abbi says:

babe, that can't be true..

Yoshi - says:

thats why im going to show you instead of writing a list. I am lazy.

Abbi says:

there's so much wrong.

hahaha awesome =p

Yoshi - says:

baby, what you call wrong, i call right

because its you

everything that you see int he mirrior

is who you are, and every bit of that is who i love

every sexy curve

Abbi says:

thats sweet babe

Yoshi - says:

every sexy body part

every scar

every piece of hair

every part of your body youre unhappy with

I love

I love so much.

and no matter how your body will change in life, whether it be when we grow old and your skin becomes wrinkled and you get your permenant laugh lines

I will still love your body

especially the laugh lines

because theyre cute

and will be espeically cute when they become more pronounced i think

honey, ill love eveything about you. I always will and thats the truth

i cant make that shit up

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 00:11:37 GMT

Oooook, yesterday I went out with my boyfriend to Chapters and we read some guide to recovering from bulimia. So I guess I'm 'in recovery' now, but I really don't know how it's going to go. With that attitude I guess I won't go very far, but I'm putting some effort into it at least. I'm hoping I'll make myself come around sooner or later.

Alex is freaking out again. He's having a bit of a nervous breakdown, I guess I choose to tell him about my ED at a bad time in his life. He's starting Co-Op and is trying to figure a whole bunch of things out in his life, and his parents are bugging him a lot. I asked him to talk to a counceller at school but I don't think he's going too.

He's missing our intimate relationship. A lot. Today he came over and I just slept and couldn't bring myself to get up or anything. He went home within a couple of hours. I asked him to be honest with me, and he says he can't stop thinking about it. He's not really eating and not sleeping very well. He said he's scared that it's going to be like this for a while, and I told him of course it would. That it's going to take a while. I don't think he fully gets it yet, but I'm hoping he will. He says he's not going to be the happiest person for a while, and I feel terrible for that. I don't know if he gets how hard it is.

It just feels kind of awful that I'm responible for his happiness. I've thrown up almost 7 times today and it's only 8:00. My parents went grocery shopping. I've eaten almost an entire batch of cupcakes and that really gross baking chocolate. I dunno, I really do love him and having him this way is really horrible to see.

He just told me it's hard for him to understand why it's so hard for me to not kiss him sometimes, why it's so hard to just stop eating and keep it down. And he's starting to think that I don't really love him, or I'm not really attracted to him, or something.

Gah, I really don't know how to make him understand. I want to go down to the library or a park or something with him tomorrow and try and talk to him. I may tell my parents next month or something but I think that would just screw things up even more because I've never had a good relationship with my parents.

And now I'm rambling.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 15:17:45 GMT

Yesterday two of my best friends came back for the weekend from University, yay!

Before I heard that news, my boyfriend came over and he tried to talk to me. I agreed to write everything I eat in a diary and at least try to not eat so much. I tried to explain to him a binge really isn't an easy thing to over come but I think I've given up on that for now. I'm going to go to the library and get a couple of books on bulimia or something for us to read together, because, unlike my parents, I think, when the time is right, he could really help me. I had some yogurt and some cucumber cause I told him it was the only 'safe food' I felt comfortable eating. He was fine with that, even though it was under 100 calories for the day.

Then my friend came back and we all went out. Got these cheese filled bread sticks and when I was eating them (2) Alex kept giving me these really worried looks. I puked them up in the grocery store bathroom we went too to get coke, and told him I didn't. Later on MSN I told him the truth so I wouldn't have to see that horrible look in his eyes. We went looking around for Pizza Hut and got two medium pizzas. I ate 5 and puked them up in Alex's bathroom. He heard, because he was standing outside the door, and looked horribly worried the entire night.

Then my other friend came back and we went to Tim Hortons and I got a coffee and a muffin and threw that up. When I got home I had some... well, I can't even remember. Nacho's or something and threw that up and then talked to him. I told him that 4 times a day was a good day for me, but he keeps blaming it on himself and saying he's not helping. He really doesn't understand. I know he feels bad, but, no matter how much I love him, this really isn't pushing me to recover. I don't know how I feel. I regret telling him because I'm hurting him so much, and I don't want too, but I don't think I can stop.

Blah. Today is the last day my friends are here before they go back for classes, so another party tonight. Whooo.

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 04:16:04 GMT

i just told my boyfriend about my bulimia and i regret it so fucking much,

ugh. im going to destroy our relationship because i'm a self destructive idiot.

hate hate hatehahtehate

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:55:26 GMT

Today I made my boyfriend leave early so I could binge and purge. We went to Burger King for lunch and I ordered 2 large fries and went to purge that in the bathroom and there was some lady in there. I tried to do it quietly, but she asked "are you ok?" from the next stall and I freaked and ran out. I told Alex I really had to pee and he drove back fast. Blah, I puked but probably absorbed loads of those gross calories.

I've thrown up 4 times today and am supposed to be going out for a "girls night out" at starbucks tonight. Blah.

I really want to tell Alex, my boyfriend, about my Bulimia, but I don't know how. He has a lot of stress in his life right now so I think it would probably just be better to try and stop this myself, but I can't even force myself to keep something down. Even if I eat a small, what could be considered normal and healthy meal, I can't handle it. I think he's beginning to notice something, but for the past couple of weeks I haven't really smiled or laughed or jumped around. I've just been feeling really awful and tired all the damn time, so I guess that's something he would notice. Blah.

Today I saw 137 on the scale, but then again, my scale is really stupid. I can step on it and get 137 about 5 times, leave, and come back 5 minutes later and it's 141. It's been 144 most of today. Ugh, I really need to get a new one.

I applied to Party Packagers today for a job. I'm hoping to work two jobs, one full time, one part, so that I can make enough money for University and for the across Canada trip me and my boyfriend want to take next June. As well, two jobs (and possibly night school) would keep be insanely busy and hopefully there would be no time to binge. Hopefully they call back soon.

Short bio

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 02:38:53 GMT

I've made this journal to help me record everything to do with my ED in private, as well as to get support from a number of communties around LJ. I'm not new to eating disorders, and have had a problem with food since I was little. I remember poking at my thighs in a bathing suit in swimming lessons when I was 9, sucking in my stomach in the mirror. I began cutting when I was 13 and 170 pounds, and started skipping meals at 14. I lost 20 pounds that summer. I don't know why I have this behavior; I have reocurring vivid dreams about being raped when I was smaller and waking up hysterical from them, though I can't remember if these dreams have any truth to them. I think my mom may have struggled with bulimia while in her abusive relationship in her 20's, I think that's why my older brother almost died when he was born, but I'm not sure. I have falen down to 115 pounds and now am up around 140.

I have a wonderful group of friends, most of which have just gone off to University. I had to stay back and work for a year so I can get enough money to go; I'm currently unemployed though. I have a wonderful boyfriend who has supported and helped me get through cutting; for which I am almost a year clean. He does know I used to have an eating disorder, but I have not told him how severe it has become. I am planning on it, soon enough anyway, I just don't know how to tell him. I am throwing up, on average, almost 5-6 times a day and can't seem to control myself around food anymore. I don't want to go out -- I can't even bring myself to go and hand out resumes. I hope to get this sort of under control in the short future.

That's about it :) Feel free to add me.