the tick-tock of the clock is painful

Oooook, yesterday I went out with my boyfriend to Chapters and we read some guide to recovering from bulimia. So I guess I'm 'in recovery' now, but I really don't know how it's going to go. With that attitude I guess I won't go very far, but I'm putting some effort into it at least. I'm hoping I'll make myself come around sooner or later.

Alex is freaking out again. He's having a bit of a nervous breakdown, I guess I choose to tell him about my ED at a bad time in his life. He's starting Co-Op and is trying to figure a whole bunch of things out in his life, and his parents are bugging him a lot. I asked him to talk to a counceller at school but I don't think he's going too.

He's missing our intimate relationship. A lot. Today he came over and I just slept and couldn't bring myself to get up or anything. He went home within a couple of hours. I asked him to be honest with me, and he says he can't stop thinking about it. He's not really eating and not sleeping very well. He said he's scared that it's going to be like this for a while, and I told him of course it would. That it's going to take a while. I don't think he fully gets it yet, but I'm hoping he will. He says he's not going to be the happiest person for a while, and I feel terrible for that. I don't know if he gets how hard it is.

It just feels kind of awful that I'm responible for his happiness. I've thrown up almost 7 times today and it's only 8:00. My parents went grocery shopping. I've eaten almost an entire batch of cupcakes and that really gross baking chocolate. I dunno, I really do love him and having him this way is really horrible to see.

He just told me it's hard for him to understand why it's so hard for me to not kiss him sometimes, why it's so hard to just stop eating and keep it down. And he's starting to think that I don't really love him, or I'm not really attracted to him, or something.

Gah, I really don't know how to make him understand. I want to go down to the library or a park or something with him tomorrow and try and talk to him. I may tell my parents next month or something but I think that would just screw things up even more because I've never had a good relationship with my parents.

And now I'm rambling.

Yesterday two of my best friends came back for the weekend from University, yay!

Before I heard that news, my boyfriend came over and he tried to talk to me. I agreed to write everything I eat in a diary and at least try to not eat so much. I tried to explain to him a binge really isn't an easy thing to over come but I think I've given up on that for now. I'm going to go to the library and get a couple of books on bulimia or something for us to read together, because, unlike my parents, I think, when the time is right, he could really help me. I had some yogurt and some cucumber cause I told him it was the only 'safe food' I felt comfortable eating. He was fine with that, even though it was under 100 calories for the day.

Then my friend came back and we all went out. Got these cheese filled bread sticks and when I was eating them (2) Alex kept giving me these really worried looks. I puked them up in the grocery store bathroom we went too to get coke, and told him I didn't. Later on MSN I told him the truth so I wouldn't have to see that horrible look in his eyes. We went looking around for Pizza Hut and got two medium pizzas. I ate 5 and puked them up in Alex's bathroom. He heard, because he was standing outside the door, and looked horribly worried the entire night.

Then my other friend came back and we went to Tim Hortons and I got a coffee and a muffin and threw that up. When I got home I had some... well, I can't even remember. Nacho's or something and threw that up and then talked to him. I told him that 4 times a day was a good day for me, but he keeps blaming it on himself and saying he's not helping. He really doesn't understand. I know he feels bad, but, no matter how much I love him, this really isn't pushing me to recover. I don't know how I feel. I regret telling him because I'm hurting him so much, and I don't want too, but I don't think I can stop.

Blah. Today is the last day my friends are here before they go back for classes, so another party tonight. Whooo.

i just told my boyfriend about my bulimia and i regret it so fucking much,

ugh. im going to destroy our relationship because i'm a self destructive idiot.

hate hate hatehahtehate

Today I made my boyfriend leave early so I could binge and purge. We went to Burger King for lunch and I ordered 2 large fries and went to purge that in the bathroom and there was some lady in there. I tried to do it quietly, but she asked "are you ok?" from the next stall and I freaked and ran out. I told Alex I really had to pee and he drove back fast. Blah, I puked but probably absorbed loads of those gross calories.

I've thrown up 4 times today and am supposed to be going out for a "girls night out" at starbucks tonight. Blah.

I really want to tell Alex, my boyfriend, about my Bulimia, but I don't know how. He has a lot of stress in his life right now so I think it would probably just be better to try and stop this myself, but I can't even force myself to keep something down. Even if I eat a small, what could be considered normal and healthy meal, I can't handle it. I think he's beginning to notice something, but for the past couple of weeks I haven't really smiled or laughed or jumped around. I've just been feeling really awful and tired all the damn time, so I guess that's something he would notice. Blah.

Today I saw 137 on the scale, but then again, my scale is really stupid. I can step on it and get 137 about 5 times, leave, and come back 5 minutes later and it's 141. It's been 144 most of today. Ugh, I really need to get a new one.

I applied to Party Packagers today for a job. I'm hoping to work two jobs, one full time, one part, so that I can make enough money for University and for the across Canada trip me and my boyfriend want to take next June. As well, two jobs (and possibly night school) would keep be insanely busy and hopefully there would be no time to binge. Hopefully they call back soon.

I've made this journal to help me record everything to do with my ED in private, as well as to get support from a number of communties around LJ. I'm not new to eating disorders, and have had a problem with food since I was little. I remember poking at my thighs in a bathing suit in swimming lessons when I was 9, sucking in my stomach in the mirror. I began cutting when I was 13 and 170 pounds, and started skipping meals at 14. I lost 20 pounds that summer. I don't know why I have this behavior; I have reocurring vivid dreams about being raped when I was smaller and waking up hysterical from them, though I can't remember if these dreams have any truth to them. I think my mom may have struggled with bulimia while in her abusive relationship in her 20's, I think that's why my older brother almost died when he was born, but I'm not sure. I have falen down to 115 pounds and now am up around 140.

I have a wonderful group of friends, most of which have just gone off to University. I had to stay back and work for a year so I can get enough money to go; I'm currently unemployed though. I have a wonderful boyfriend who has supported and helped me get through cutting; for which I am almost a year clean. He does know I used to have an eating disorder, but I have not told him how severe it has become. I am planning on it, soon enough anyway, I just don't know how to tell him. I am throwing up, on average, almost 5-6 times a day and can't seem to control myself around food anymore. I don't want to go out -- I can't even bring myself to go and hand out resumes. I hope to get this sort of under control in the short future.

That's about it :) Feel free to add me.